To an angel

I do not know what to say now.

I am falling too far, way too fast. I am becoming addicted to your smile, to the sparkle in your eyes. I shiver at your touch, feel it in my dreams. Every time I open my eyes, I wish I was looking into yours. My heart beats faster just hearing your voice, every day seems to make the craving deeper.

Right now I have no idea how to separate reality from fantasy, the taste of your lips destroys all reasoning. No logic resides here, as I realize that I cherish even your shyest of giggles.

If there is actually nothing here, I need to know now. I need to find a way to stop myself from sinking even deeper into this hole. I didn't meant to venture here, but now I have lost all control.

How can I tell what to do, how do I know what to say. You tell me that you cherish my embrace and want to spend every waking moment with me, but then you spend the entire day in the arms of someone else.

I never expected this impact, I never thought this would happen. I have guarded myself so closely, only letting the exterior show. And yet now I am here, and you are there. And I stand at the doorway and knock. How do we sort this, where do we go from here. Is there truth in the madness, is there something special in the fire. Or were you only seeking release and never meant to stay.

The world is on fire with my emotions, and I can not find the extinguisher. I am open and defenseless, this is not my way.

I want to be confident again, to know where I stand. I want to feel that there is a plan, a reason for these feelings.

It's complicated.

Confusion fills my mind, nothing seems to be clear.
Just a minor lark, so how did we end up here?

Friendship was the intention, all other doors were closed.
But certain words were said, and my heart became exposed.

Against the test of time, I have fortified my will.
And yet but a mere mortal am I, who sets his castle upon a hill.

Not believing my luck, I grasped for reason.
If I knew there was a trick, how can I feel such treason.

Perhaps unwittingly, you knew the secret knock.
Your eyes sank into my soul, and somehow broke the lock.

I swear that I fought against it, that I held myself in check.
Knowing it was too early, yet I still find myself hitting the deck.

Withdrawing now, I watch from afar.
Words hold no power any more, instead smearing like tar.

If only wishes came true, as I stand here watching you.
I would create the most beautiful fantasy, using only us two.


As the sun and the moon circle, I wonder which you choose.
Can you expect to hold both, or did one already lose.

We might have shared dreams, but there seems to be something missing.
Was there truth behind the secret whispers, or just an excuse to be kissing.

I have no answers anymore, and no idea where to turn.
So my feelings are here to see, while my heart slowly burns.

Never did I hold a desire to disrupt, wanting nothing but a friend.
That seems so far away now, as if this is our only trend.

How can you treasure my embrace, and yet return smiling to clutch his arm.
Patiently I try to wait, but every second seems to bring me closer to harm.

To borrow from a song, should I stay or should I go.
Yet no matter what choice you make, I never wish you to be a foe.

Sharing you is impossible, I find myself beginning to understand.
Should never have soared so high, without knowing how to land.

An earnest request drifts on the wind, somehow escaping my sealed lips
End the complicated battle, let me know before my heart rips.

And so I once again consider my feelings, everything must be rated.
With so many ups and downs, all that I can say is "It's complicated"

Farewell Beloved

The scent of delicate flowers fills the air, aromas wafting on the gentle wind that whispers softly through your hair.

Warming rays of light stream through the chapel door, lighting every corner with a pleasing glow.

Expensive silks rustle as the room fills with both the renown the common, a slight buzz of background noise.

The chapel is filled with sounds of pleasantries exchanged, how-are-you's and bless-you's mingle in the air.

All of this drifts past your un-heeding ears, as you contemplate in solemn solitude.

The Chapel door swings open once again and suddenly the room is filled with silence as the Cleric makes his stately pace down the aisle.

With a face filled with solemn promise, the Cleric gently brushes your shoulders in passing as he ascends the pulpit.

As he opens his mouth and leads everyone in a gentle prayer, a solitary tear tracks a wasted journey down your trembling cheek.

As the final words disperse through the air, all behind you rise and bow their heads in great respect as fervent words escape their lips and tears sneak past closely guarded eyelids.

As your eyes close tight with emotion, the Knights before you raise swords in fond salute.

And with a final farewell, you kiss cold unfeeling lips as you lay their lord, and your gallant husband, to his final rest.

Musings.

I have not been doing much lately, battling both a severe ailment and setbacks at work.

However, my mind has been running crazy all over the place. So many different ideas, and yet it always seems like so little time to sort through them and make them work.

My imagination knows no bounds, I swear. Though I did discover that I have to rein it in sometimes, for my own sanity.

Every story that I write, I tend to throw myself into the characters to make sure that their emotions and responses are real. I never go into something with a set plan, nor do I already dictate how things go. I generally start with a basis point A and a hopeful point Z. All of the rest just happens as the characters develop. Sometimes I will intend for a character to be hulking and strong and confident, but the character just doesn't agree. They all have their own lives and feelings.

However, due to the fact that I do envelop myself in the emotions and thoughts of my characters, I must be very careful on what I write about. Again, my imagination and my ability to emphasize and relate to my characters is immensely powerful.

I was recently letting the Evanescence song "My Immortal" just wash over me and considering the story that the song and music video tell. For those not in the know (I feel sorry for you), the song depicts a young man walking through town and the places of his life singing to his love who follows along behind him. The trick is that the person he loves is dead, and so she is just hopelessly watching as he deals with the pain and mourns her loss and how he can still feel her nearby but remains all alone.

It is a very powerful message and song, and my mind starting thinking about doing a story in reverse. Depicting the thoughts and the song of the lost one, instead of from the perspective of the bereaved. As I began to sink into the character, I found myself facing such a desolate wall of emotion, despair and utter chaos that I had to pull back hard and break the immersion. My mind began conjuring just what hurt and loss and utter failure I would feel if I had died and followed my family or loved ones with no way to communicate.

The scene that I discovered was so absolutely horrible and wrenching that I have learned to never peek into that world again. While often my writings ring true and strike against the heart for their willingness to discover and explain the pain of loss and failure, doing it from the perspective of one without hope is a task that I shall never again attempt.

It is the fact that we remain that gives us strength, even with our broken hearts and even when it seems that there is no answer for the horrors we face. There will always be that one accomplishment, however minor it might seem, that 'We still live'.

And now, I just hold to that. No matter what you face, no matter the problems and the issues that come before you. Despite the worst of pains and the most agonizing of heartbreaks, find that kernel of hope. You are still alive.